Snack Smack!

Snack Smack #15: Itsa fresh!

2007-09-19T17:28:00.000-04:00

Ahh, Subaway. Justa like in the Old Country. You no needa potato chips. Eata fresh, live longa.

Snackhanded compliment: You may sticka to my dicationary, but you taste niiice. Bellissimo!

(Don't ask.)

VITALS:

Snack Smack: Subway Raisins
Time consumed: 3:22pm
Time it took to consume: 6.5 minutes

New! Ingredients: raisins

Nutrition Facts:
Serving size 1 box
Servings per container about 1

Calories 130
Calories from fat 0

Total fat 0g
Saturated fat 0g
Trans fat 0g

Cholesterol 0mg
Sodium 10mg
Potassium 330mg
Total Carbohydrates 33g
Dietary Fiber 2g
Sugars 30g
Protein 1g

Brief Interlude

2007-09-12T00:41:00.000-04:00

I know, I haven't really been snacking lately. Sorry, I've been working a lot! No time to enjoy snacks.

However, copy-editor me would like to point out that (and hey, this is kind of snack related!) the other day I passed this:

and immediately thought Sausage.

Is that a good sign or a bad sign?

More snacks soon! Send suggestions!

Snack Smack #14: Too Good for a Snackdown!

2007-09-05T18:06:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I came home from work a little bit blue. It wasn't snack-related depression or anything, I just wasn't feeling, you know, great. I was home scarcely five minutes before my fiancé said, "I have something for you!"

"Ooh! Ooh! What is it?" I asked calmly, only slightly trembling with excitement.

And then he gave it to me: The most perfect snack. A delight only Whole Foods could dream up, and which only my loving guy would think to bring home to support my snack habit.

Ladies and germs, allow me to introduce you to: Sea Snacks.

Not only are they…good for you?…but they taste like shortbread and come in the most hella whimsical shapes!

Behold: my new friend Octobrows.

We were great pals until I chomped him whole. Delicioso!

Snackhanded compliment: Sweetie, this one is for you. You are the best. Well, maybe the second best—that's how good these snacks are! I kid, I kid.

VITALS:

Snack Smack: Sea Snacks All-Natural Cookies
Time consumed: 2:57pm
Time it took to consume: 4.5 minutes, with the help of a colleague

Nutrition Facts:
Serving size 10 cookies
Servings per container about 2

Calories 110

Total fat 4g
Saturated fat 0g
Trans fat 0g

Cholesterol 0mg
Sodium 55mg
Total Carbohydrates 18g
Dietary Fiber 0g
Sugars 5g
Protein 1g

Snack Smack #13: Mo' jito please

2007-09-04T18:01:00.000-04:00

Today's snack unexpectedly became essentially a virgin cocktail—by accident! Ginger ale and "mint mojito" gum—kind of like any number of $12 after-work drinks one may imbibe in a posh West Chelsea bar, except I was enjoying it while still at the office! Scandaltown.

Snackhanded compliment: Filling? No. Satisfying? Oddly, yes! Perhaps it was just enough fizz and lime to make my body feel like it was enjoying the kind of lunch break they often take on Mad Men.

VITALS:

Snack Smack: Orbit Gum ("Mint Mojito") and a Canada Dry Diet Ginger Ale
Time consumed: 4:12pm
Time it took to consume: Kind of hard to say! But unlike my 1960s counterparts, I stopped after one.

Nutrition Facts: Orbit Gum
Serving size 1 piece
Servings per container 14

Calories <5

Total fat 0g
Saturated fat 0g
Trans fat 0g

Cholesterol 0mg
Sodium 0mg
Total Carbohydrates 1g
Dietary Fiber 0g
Sugars 0g
Protein 0g

Snack Smack #12: O-O-OJ!

2007-08-30T16:55:00.000-04:00

Well aren't you lovely! Look at your beautiful little juice cells, your graceful, puckered peel.

Oranges fascinate me. I mean, think of how many oranges there must be in the world in order to maintain the delicate balance of supply and demand. According to Wikipedia, Brazil alone produced 17.8 million tons of 'em in 2005. Think of all that orange juice! The mind peels—that is, reels! The mind reels!

Snackhanded compliment: I remember being told in elementary school that oranges are "perfect" food, meaning both the, what, meat? Yes, that both the meat and the juice are nourishing. Perfect indeed. Thank you, the world's oranges. You are a delight and I love you.

VITALS:

Snack Smack: Eating orange
Time consumed: 2:22pm
Time it took to consume: 7 minutes (I savored this one!)

High in: Vitamin C, happiness, sticky hands.

Snack Smack #11: Creesps!

2007-08-29T00:18:00.000-04:00

I've been letting you down. I've been letting us all down. But you know what's been letting me down? Snacks.

Well, snack. Singular.

Soy Crisps? Oh, gee. Well? Erm, I guess there's a first and last time for everything? Why are they two-toned? I don't understand. This is some kind of Jekyll-and-Hyde snack!

Snackhanded compliment: It's my fault, really: I wanted them to be potato chips, but they turned out to be some kind of hamster food. Poor hamsters!

VITALS:

Snack Smack: Soy Crisps
Time consumed: I…I don't remember
Time it took to consume: unfinished

(I also threw out the package in a fit of disappointment. Argh! Better snacks next time!)

Snack Smack #10: Me and Mike and Ike

2007-08-28T22:42:00.001-04:00

I could have snacked on anything today, it wouldn't matter; the battery in my camera is dead, and I'll be darned if I could find the charger this morning. Look, I like snacks, but I also like being on time for work, am I right, people?!

Anyway, I had a bag of Mike and Ike candy. Original fruit! Imagine you are seeing a picture of it now, or else imagine that what you're seeing here is the inside of my dead-battery camera. Or else imagine that I was eating something exotic, like dark chocolate–covered-orange-slices or candied violets or…what have you.

Snackhanded compliment: The candy was as boring as this entry! I saved all the red ones to eat last because they're my favorite (does anyone in the world have a favorite other than red candy?!), but it turned out that I had inadvertently saved pink ones instead of red ones because the color difference was so subtle. Damn you, watermelon Mike and Ikes!

If only the Mike and Ike website was so subtle! Take it easy on the appealing-to-kids-today thing, fellas!

VITALS:

Snack Smack: Mike and Ike
Time consumed: 3:55pm
Time it took to consume: 4 and a half minutes

(I also inadvertently threw out the package, so in lieu of the traditional Snack Smack nutritional run-down, please accept these fun facts, courtesy of the Just Born Candies website.)

Mike and Ike "Original Fruits" candy was introduced in 1940!

Over 4.5 billion pieces of Mike and Ike candies are made each year!

Every day, up to 44 tons of Mike and Ike candies are made!

Mike and Ike "Original Fruits" are kosher! It's a mitzvah!

SNACKDOWN: Apple vs. Banana

2007-08-23T16:59:00.000-04:00

The newcomer—red, waxy and ready to rumble: Red Delicious Apple

And in this corner—lean, mean and defending its title: Banana

These two were able-bodied contenders: ripe, sweet, and delivered. Neither had any distracting bruises, nor did they yield any of the discomfiting, fuzzy aftertaste that NYC fruit sometimes can.

Apple's clear advantage was in its compactness, but its weaknesses included overabundance of juice dripping down my arm and the fact that something about apple cores really squicks me out.

Banana was fun to peel, contained muscle-soothing potassium and brought with it that still-charming Bert and Ernie joke. However, bananas smell bad. Would that be enough to tip the scales?

No, considering that I work in an office that sometimes mysteriously smells of pickles.

WINNER: Banana

WINNING MOVE: Did not at any point make my hands sticky.

Snack Smack #9: The Twizzard of Oz

2007-08-22T17:53:00.000-04:00

Crack that strawberry whip!
Give the bag a rip.
Step on a snack.
Break your momma's back.

When a problem comes along,
You must strawberry whip it.
Before the afternoon's too long.
You must strawberry whip it.
When the grammar's going wrong.
You must strawberry whip it.

Snackhanded compliment: Mouths = Happy.

VITALS:

Snack Smack: Twizzlers (strawberry)
Time consumed: 4:12pm
Time it took to consume: 6 minutes

Nutrition Facts
Serving size 1 pack
Servings per envelope 1

Calories 240
Calories from fat 10

Total fat 1g
Saturated fat 0g
Trans fat 0g

Cholesterol 0mg
Sodium 180mg
Total Carbohydrates 55g
Dietary Fiber 0g
Sugars 32g
Protein 2g

Snack Smack #8: E=(M&M's)^2?

2007-08-21T23:19:00.000-04:00

I decided pretty early on today that I was going to go for M&M's, despite the copy editor-unfriendly presence of a misplaced apostrophe in the name. At first I thought, Ooh, original M&M's, but as the time drew nearer I wondered if maybe I wanted peanut ones.

And then I was faced with the decision of my life. One I was scarcely prepared to make.

The vending machine had five kinds of M&M's today. FIVE, people. Did you even know there were five varieties of M&M's??

1. Original
2. Peanut
3. Almond
4. Dark chocolate
5. Peanut butter

I wonder how many more there are in the world!

Never mind, I decided to go with what seemed the most exotic of the lot—peanut butter.

Maybe it was to make up for the traumatizing experience I'd had with the crackers? Maybe it was because for years I insisted that I don't like peanut butter but it turns out I actually kind of do? Maybe it was because they were the ones at eye-level?

It's not important now. What's important is that they were delightful, and that I didn't regret my selection, despite the candy's garish colors and misappropriation of punctuation.

Oh, I forgot the sixth kind of M&M: avatar!

(You can't possibly tell me that's not the worst avatar you've ever seen. So embarrassing.)

Snackhanded compliment: I never did like the blue ones until today. Today they seemed like half a dozen little winking blue eyes, six Paul Newmans all flirting with me, giving me that come-hither glance. Well it worked: I came thither.

VITALS:

Snack Smack: Peanut Butter M&M's
Time consumed: 3:55pm
Time it took to consume: 3 minutes (also embarrassing!)

Nutrition Facts
Serving size 1 pack
Servings per envelope 1

Calories 240
Calories from fat 120

Total fat 14g
Saturated fat 9g
Trans fat 0g (finally!)

Cholesterol 5mg
Sodium 100mg
Total Carbohydrates 26g
Dietary Fiber 2g
Sugars 22g
Protein 5g

Snack Smack #7: Eugene MarshamallO'Neill

2007-08-16T17:08:00.000-04:00

Intern 1: "Did you see the size of the salad that girl on the copy desk had for lunch today?!"

Intern 2: "Yeah, wild!"

Intern 1: "It's actually a little revolting."

Intern 2: "Wait-- What's she doing?"

Intern 1: "She's going into the kitchen. Omigod, I can't believe it!"

Intern 2: "Let's follow her!"

[The two interns stalk gracelessly down the halls of the office, following the copy editor into the kitchen. To avoid rousing suspicion, one lingers by the sink while the other makes a bee-line for a nearby stack of AM New Yorks. The copy editor, mug in hand, stops in front of a stack of teabags, salt packets, plastic utensils and... hot cocoa mix. She reaches for one with artificial marshmallows: The interns shoot each other a disappointed glance. One puts her hand over her mouth to conceal embarrassed giggles, the other quickly scampers out of the room. The copy editor looks up and makes eye-contact with the remaining intern, who dashes out after her friend. The room is quiet. The copy editor shrugs.]

Copy Editor: Awesome! Free Swiss Miss!

Snackhanded compliment: The lack of trans fat more than makes up for the fact that dehydrated, prepackaged hot cocoa contains the world's wimpiest marshmallows. Wait, I don't even like marshmallows!

VITALS:

Snack Smack: Swiss Miss Milk Chocolate (Flavor) with Marshmallows Hot Cocoa Mix
Time consumed: 4:41pm
Time it took to consume: 9 minutes (it was really hot)

Nutrition Facts
Serving size 1 envelope (1oz)
Servings per envelope 1

Calories 120
Calories from fat 20

Total fat 2g
Saturated fat 1.5g
Trans fat 0g (finally!)

Cholesterol 0mg
Sodium 150mg
Total Carbohydrates 24g
Dietary Fiber 1g
Sugars 16g
Protein 1g

Snack Smack #6: Banan-ya hear me now?

2007-08-15T13:51:00.000-04:00

What's that? Eh? I can't hear you—I've got a banana in my ear!

Hold on, you're breaking up. Let me check my signal.

Can I call you back? I don't want to use up my daytime minutes.

Snackhanded compliment: A snack and a comedy routine! Genius.

VITALS:

Snack Smack: Banana
Time consumed: 12:51pm
Time it took to consume: 2 minutes

Nutrition Facts per 100g, courtesy of Wikipedia
Serving size 1 banana
Servings per banana 1

Calories 90
Calories from fat ??

Total fat 0.33g

Total Carbohydrates 22.84g
Dietary Fiber 2.6g
Sugars 12.23g
Protein 1.09g

Snack Smack #5: PB&…C?

2007-08-14T15:56:00.000-04:00

Let me ask you this: When is the last time you walked up to a deli counter and ordered a peanut butter–and-cheddar sandwich? Probably never. You know why? Because unlike Elvis Presley, the anniversary of whose untimely demise we will remember this Thursday, you know that there are some things that just don't go with peanut butter, wise guy.

Cheese is one of those things.

The only thing that's worse? Crackers that are artificially flavored like cheese.

This, my friends, is a snack of desperation. Another day-without-breakfast kind of snack. I regretted it the second the flimsy plastic wrapper made that dull "thunk" sound against the delivery tray of the vending machine.

There are some salty-sweet combinations I understand (pretzels+chocolate, for instance), and some I never will (margaritas+salt). My fiancée likes the savory-sweet combos that I can't stomach, which is the fundamental difference between he and I. His palate is more sophisicated, I guess.

It looks peaceful, doesn't it? Don't be fooled. It's just laying in wait.

Please note the inclusion of the sweatsuit entry from the Style Guide at my job in both of these photos, because that is what I'll be forced to wear for all eternity if I continue to eat snacks that still have trans fat in them.

Snackhanded compliment: Never again will I eat peanut butter and cheese together. Not even if the hand of G-d swipes down and destroys every vending machine on the face of the earth, sparing only these putrid peanut butter–and-cheese crackers. First of all, I don't believe G-d could be that cruel, and second of all, I'd be better off snackless.

VITALS:

Snack Smack: FritoLay Peanut Butter on CHEESE Flavored Crackers
Time consumed: 3:26pm
Time it took to consume: 4.5 minutes

Nutrition Facts
Serving size 1 package (6 crackers)
Servings per container 1

Calories 190
Calories from fat 80

Total fat 9g
Sat fat 2.5g
Trans fat 1g (!!!)

Cholesterol 0mg
Sodium 370mg
Total Carbohydrates 23g
Dietary Fiber 2g
Sugars 3g
Protein 5g

Sell By 28 Aug 07 (CLOSE CALL!)

Snack Smack #4: It's a zoo in here!

2007-08-09T12:42:00.000-04:00

I didn't want to do it, but I had to, you see? Nothing was going right, the whole world was against me—what choice does a guy have?!

So I was running late and didn't eat breakfast, so what? I'm not allowed to have a snack before lunch, it's always gotta be after? Sez who, right? And like I got hungry, see, and it's awful hard to work when you're hungry. I waited and waited but I just couldn't take it anymore, so I broke down an' fished out a pair of quarters, real calm-like.

When I got the machine, I couldn't believe my eyes. I can have what for $.50?! Austin Zoo Animal Crackers—are you kiddin' me?! Brilliant!

I snagged one of these bags and went back to my desk, feeling prit-tee good about myself. "Not too shabby, Meister," I thought. "Maybe you won't even have to eat lunch!"

Little did I know how... how cute they were going to be.

Is... is that horse—sorry, horsie—smiling?! How am I s'pposed to eat that?!

Snack Smack Extreme Close-Up

(I managed to find a way.)

Snackhanded compliment: If Austin's zoo is full of animals made of enriched flour, sugar, water, salt and emulsifying agents, I'm not sure I ever want to visit. Unless they'll let me scale the bars and bite off the heads of all the gorillas one-by-one. Before lunch, preferably. They're satisfying, I find!

VITALS:

Snack Smack: Austin Zoo Animal Crackers (a Kellogs/Keebler product)
Time consumed: 11:46am
Time it took to consume: 7 minutes

Nutrition Facts
Serving size 16 pieces (30g)
Servings per container About 2

Calories 250
Calories from fat 35

Total fat 4g
Sat fat 1g
Trans fat 1g (!!!)

Cholesterol 0mg
Sodium 180mg
Total Carbohydrates 50g
Dietary Fiber 1g
Sugars 14g
Protein 4g

Above information per package, not serving

Snack Smack #3: Don't crumble, I need you

2007-08-08T17:15:00.000-04:00

Do I deserve you, oatmeal raisin cookie? Am I worthy of your golden brown skin, your toasty flavor, your sweet, sticky fruit playfully winking at me while I distractedly bang on my keyboard with these ham fists of mine? Have I made you proud?

What will you taste like? Will you be chewy, or will you fight back? Will you leave little crumbs all over my desk, only to be caught in the puckered surface of my mousepad, slowing my work progress?

Will I regret you? Will we ever be the same? Come here, be with me. We've just got to take that chance.

Snackhanded compliment: The Gina Lollobrigida of snacks. Sultry. Sexy. Dangerous.

VITALS:

Snack Smack: Guy & Gallard oatmeal raisin cookie
Time consumed: 5:08pm
Time it took to consume: I wish it had never ended

Nutrition Facts
An absolute mystery: This cookie came to me wrapped very precisely in a thin plastic bag. It contained no information, so I am forced to assume it was mostly vegetable, very low in fat and sodium, and extended my life expectancy by roughly three weeks.

Snack Smack #2: Apples aweigh

2007-08-07T18:25:00.000-04:00

Do I need to be alone? I asked myself. Do I need to take time out of my busy day to appreciate and enjoy the little things in life one notices better when one is solo?

No. I need company. Company in the form of a 4oz plastic container full of squashed fruit seasoned to a slightly unsettling shade of dark, grainy beige.

Snackhanded compliment: Just as cinnamon is apple's wingman, organic apple sauce is mine, my very own Sancho Panza, the small friend who asks nothing of me but that I occasionally explain the crazy things I think and do.

Oh, apple sauce, don't worry, it's just a giant…windmill.

VITALS:

Snack Smack: Musselman's Cinnamon Apple Sauce
Time consumed: 4:11pm
Time it took to consume: 3 minutes

Nutrition Facts
Serving size 1 package
Servings per container 1

Calories 90
Calories from fat 0

Total fat 0g
Sat fat 0g
Trans fat 0g

Cholesterol 0mg
Sodium 10mg
Total Carbohydrates 23g
Dietary Fiber 2g
Sugars 19g
Proten 0g

Best Before April 8 2009

Snack Smack #1: In the beginning

2007-08-02T17:14:00.000-04:00

Hello and welcome to my new blog, which is the mini-est of minigastronomic blogging adventures: Every day that I am in the office (an average of three a week, typically Tue, Wed and Thu), I will eat a snack.

When I am done eating said snack, I will give you, my hungry friends, a blow-by-blow snackdown of my findings and experience.

Now that we're all caught up: Let's begin!

FIRST SNACK!

When I walked back to the vending machine this afternoon, I took it for granted that I would have at least enough change in my wallet to acquire something moderately tasty. Three nickles a dime and a quarter later, I realized I was kind of screwed: It is scientifically proven that one can not afford a decent snack with a paltry $.50.

Then I saw it, gold and warm, a friendly face looking out at me with its millions of salt eyes. "That's it," I said. "You're coming with me."

Snackhanded compliment: Like that girl you've been friends with since high school; now you're in your late twenties and have nothing in common, but you still send each other MySpace messages because you can't imagine a world without this hollow relationship.

VITALS:

Snack Smack: Rold Gold Classic Style Tiny Twist pretzels
Time consumed: 4:46pm
Time it took to consume: 4 minutes

Nutrition Facts
Serving size 1 package
Servings per container 1

Calories 110
Calories from fat 10

Total fat 1g
Sat fat 0g
Trans fat 0g

Cholesterol 0mg
Sodium 580mg
Total Carbohydrates 23g
Dietary Fiber 1g
Sugars less than 1g
Proten 2g